Wednesday, March 18, 2015
I was in my room, looking between my textbook and some South Park when I heard the unmistakable sounds of someone stumbling around in our living room (3 friends and I shared an on-campus modular housing unit, or "mod"). I look down into the living room, and there's my friend "Jim". Jim sees me and says, "Pilgrim, you gotta help me, John just tried to rape me." Jim looks ten kinds of freaked out. He wants me to drive him home. His home is 3 hours across state lines, but he's obviously been crying and looks really freaked out. I agreed.
Once we were in my car, he started pointing into random scenery, saying "turn here! why did you keep going? turn here, then!" This kid was pointing into random rocks and trees, a river. I realized this kid was out of his fucking mind. So I just kept saying stuff like, "Dude, I can't turn there, that's not a road. Don't worry, I'll get you home."
I just started driving him in a big loop around campus.
He started to get quiet. After a wile of driving in silence, he asked, "Pilgrim... you'd never try to kill me, would you?" I told him no, and he got quiet again. Then, "What if someone paid you a lot of money? Would you kill me for money?" I said no, and he got quiet again. Then, after three of the longest, most ominously silent minutes of my life, he threw a tape recorder at me that hit me in the shoulder, shouted, "THIS IS FROM JOE!" and jumped out of my moving car.
I put my car in park and got out, he rolled to a stop and jumped up. He yelled, "ARE YOU COMING TO GET ME, PILGRIM?"
I yelled back, "FUCK YEAH, YOU NEED TO GET INTO THE CAR AND CALM THE FUCK DOWN! THIS IS BULLSHIT, JIM!"
He looked uninjured and he wasn't trying to run, so I got back into my car and pulled over to the shoulder. I get back out and he's gone.
Two hours later, the search party of friends I mobilized discovered him in his boxers, bleeding profusely from his hands and knees in lounge of the all-girls dorm. I had found X
John earlier, and asked him what had happened. Apparently they had all eaten a bunch of mushrooms and Jim had wandered off.
We got Jim back to our mod, gave him some hot cider, a blanket, and sat him down in front of a six-hour recorded VHS tape of Futurama. After about an hour and a half of silence, he was able to explain that he had thought X
John was going to rape him, had come to our mod looking for someone to take him home, had become convinced that I was going to kill him, thrown a grenade at me (tape recorder) and jumped out of my car, left landmines behind him as he ran (his clothes), broken through the window of the arts building to throw me off his trail, jumped out a second floor window, and saw that the door was open to the girls dorm and that it looked warm in there. He apologized for the trouble. It didn't occur to me until much later that he had tried to kill me with a grenade.