Thursday, May 8, 2014
Burglars and Battle Axes.
I lived in Columbus for about 10 years, during which time I managed to only be mugged once. Hooray! In the last year I was there, however, I lived alone (with three cats) in a little house on the southeast side. Eastland, to those who know your Central Ohio. Not Easton. Eastland. You know, where the bodies turn up in dumpsters. Because it gets insanely hot and nasty but I hated paying high AC bills, I'd keep my backyard windows open at night, since I had a fenced in backyard and an army of angry ducks guarding the creek that ran along the property line. No worries!
So one night, it was cooler than usual, so I had the fans off. I'm also a horrendously light sleeper. And so it happened that at about 3 am, I was disturbed by an unusual sound. I stirred only slightly, not too concerned - unusual sounds are par when you have three cats. But then I realized none of the cats were around. Kitty wasn't on the bed, Atticus wasn't throwing himself into the wall insanely, Anduril wasn't engaged in death battles with pieces of string. That meant something was potentially wrong. Sound comes again, and I realize it's the sound of someone removing one of my downstairs screens, directly below my bedroom.
Well friends, it's an unusual feeling, realizing your home is being broken into while it's just you and a few cats. Oh, we all say we know exactly what we'd do in such and such a situation, but in truth we never know just how we'll react until the moment is upon us. And I am pleased to report that I reacted just as I'd always hoped I would: I grabbed my bedside battleaxe (hey, I'm a short girl living alone, what, did you think I *didn't* keep a battleaxe by my bedside?) and charged down the stairs, screaming in Latin and waving that monster around like a deranged tiny viking.
My invader took off and bolted - straight into my stack of patio furniture, where he got tangled in a toppled mass of chairs that he dragged along while he continued crawling to the safety of the ducks. No one messed with me there again; I guess word spreads in the burglary community as to which houses are full of crazy people.