Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Put Your Sword Away

I'm hitch hiking for the first time ever in Jacksonville, FL. As I wait by the side of the road in the cool morning air, a black honda civic spots me and swerves across two lanes of rush hour traffic, screeches to a halt, and offers me a ride. A savvy, street smart person would think, "A normal person would never go through so much effort to pick up a hitch hiker. Fuck this guy." As a naive and sheltered middle class beardless boy I think, "Awesome, a ride."


So I hop in. I look at this son of a bitch, past his innocent chubby cheeks into his beady eyes and say, "THANKS!" He lingers in silence and lounges in the driver seat like someone in a recliner watching 2.5 men wishing he were brave enough to hang himself. The comic book guy doppleganger mutters, "This is a terrible place to hitch hike, all the traffic is going downtown for work. I'll take you to a better exit down the freeway." This is the point where my comfort in the car declines exponentially.
We begin small talk. And after a few minutes he starts rubbing his weiner through his jeans. I see this in my peripheral and I'm not quite sure what this blurry circular motion is. So I quick peek. And the gravity of the situation dawns on me. He's revving up for the big race. I hide my pepper spray on the far side of my body and try to distract him from the impending penis reveal. So I rapid fire ask him questions, "What's your favorite book? What's your favorite movie? Do you like 2% milk?"

He swats my questions away with grunts and disinterest and increases the RPMs. I watch him to make sure he doesn't reach for a gun. I consider pepper spraying him if he does something threatening, but pepper spraying a driver at 70 mph entails mutually assured destruction. My mind races. Then with incredible slight of hand the dick magician releases the main attraction and his dick houdinis its way from captivity. He looks at me with a faint smirk. Silence lingers and I look straight ahead. His fleshy member wanders about freely. I see all of this in my peripheral. It takes a lot of courage to look at a grown man's dick dead on, courage I didn't have. My heart beats quickly, loudly.

He breaks the silence, "Does this make you nervous?" I reply immediately, "Hell yea it does. Are you kidding me? This is not a part of my every day life, man." He flares his nostrils and says, "Good answer. I just had some really good times when I was hitch hiking at your age and figured you might want to, you know, jerk off for me." So I chime in with a "No thanks, that's not my thing. Can you drop me off and put your wang away?" His face reddens with embarrassment as if his high school sweet heart just turned him down, "Yeah." He sheaths his sword of omens.

So he drops me off. I get out of the car and my nervousness falls away. I fall to the ground laughing. How ridiculous. What a way to start my hitching adventure across the country. On some level I respect him though. It's hard enough to talk to strangers or ask someone on a date let alone whip your dick ou

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